On goodness

❀ It's often that I find myself wondering if I'm truly a good person, I keep reminiscing the good deeds I accomplished during the day, I look for any indication that I did it selflessly, that I did not intend any other benefit aside from help; but honestly I rarely find it.

I always think how I would love to be on the receiving end, I would love to be helped that way, I would love for someone to look at me while everyone is talking because I said something that no one heard but that one person is interested in what I have to say.

I feel awful, I wish I was more selfless, I wish I didn't need the validation, I wish I was more delicate, more giving, more beautiful, more mindful, more and more and more, I want to be everything but I want to be nothing. I want to be a concept, a concept that everyone knows but few understand but it doesn't exist.

I know It's all rooted on catholic guilt, a thorn on my side that will never go away, the words of each psalm and scripture flow in my blood just like the oxygen keeping me alive, even if I don't believe any of the teaching any more, I don't go to mass, I don't to my morning and evening prayers, I don't read the bible. But any hardship that I find myself in I can not think I wish God would lift it for me, but he never does, or maybe he does, and I'm too blinded to see it, but I don't want to see it. I don't want to go back to the Sunday's routine, wake up, prepare breakfast, eat, prepare lunch, eat, clean, get ready for mass, go to mass, pray for 3 hours, go back. I hated it. For the longest time in my life I hated Sundays because I felt like that day was not mine, it belonged to everyone but me.

I don't have any point to make in this, it's basically a stream of consciousness, badly written but one nonetheless.

I want to dive more in the catholic guilt, I know I have found a few good papers about it, maybe if I'm diligent I'll write something about it.

In the end, it doesn't matter if I'm a good person, I just hope that I've spread enough kindness that maybe some will come back to me.